new era i guess

 turning 23 and keep growing up.

it is scrazy to sit back and reflect what i had been through

and now i don't say that 23 is all wisdom and right decisions but i surely now know the mistakes i wish i did not do years or weeks or days ago. 

but things are different now. i rather be more self aware keep remind myself who i am to others, and how i should just keep things in line and not push it and force things to happen.

good to know i have my family, always besides me. i just need to reach them.

and good to be reminded that i have a man that loves me without me asking. 

i hope no more sad, one sided "love" story in the future, my poetic soul has expired haha 

new guy

after being single for 4 years, my best friend and i talked about how people meet each other and found love. i asked her wondering how my story going to be any different than the rest. then we talked how people get matched and stays. so, she did match me with one of her guy friend from school and sent him my phone number. told him to text me as i got really anxious about knowing someone i never see before, hence the corona virus pkp lockdown shit, somehow convenience that i don't have to meet people that much. so, he texted me says hi. a bit late but he was working at a retail store. i did not thought much about it then we talked. 

i told my best friend i was uncomfortable with the idea of talking to strangers like that. how do people on tinder get connected and be comfortable? after all, i thought myself to be open and just ride the wave. but i could not and tripped. so i told him that i want to back off a bit and i was not ready to know someone.

he was nice and i bet was genuine, i won. he said that it was alright and told me to take my own time. he respected that. after two or three days i do not remember, i replied to his ig story and i was being nice, maybe i felt guilty for leaving him hanging. but then he texted me again asking how i was doing. ride the wave again but i was sailing smoothly.

we texted, we played golf on snapchat and we ring each other's phones up. 

i decided to stay.

i wish there would be no pain like unrequited love with him. and i wish him that too. 

i have decided that i want to be with him.

well

he have someone special now
they have the same nose
he smiled pleasantly 
and her eyes only sparked 

and i never see him that happy 
and i hope that he will be 
forever like that

radiant 

end

i am a fool for u.
and i know u see me as a fool.
everyday is a day for me questioning if i am ready to let go of my dreams of u.
when u thought of turning u down, made me look like a bad bitch.
but when i thought of u pushing me aside, made me look worthless.
hating u hurt but loving u is worse
why am i being so nice to u
i needed u
but things just don't work out for both of us because of this one sided feelings.
just one door unopened.
in the end, u have always been my ideal.
i would turn u down when u need me the most, but i am selfish.
i want to hurt u like u hurt me but i want to hold u.
but u wouldn't even bother.
its worthless to u.
loving supposed to be easy.
maybe it would be easier with the right person.
i want u to be the right person.

lo0p

it is a cycle. u left me hanging and came back to reach me with apologies.
either u did not meant it at all or u just felt the burning guilt just find an ease.
on the other hand, it is me who has always waiting for u patiently.
telling myself i should not complain from this thirst.
i thought it would be easier to love u if i am sincere.
i am sincere with all my heart and soul.
but somehow today, i just want to quit.
all the pain from before i have been holding back because it was the pain of missing and loving u.
then now i wish that i never had meet u.
these are the knots in my chest struggling to feel ease.
i do not have to be a fool to u anymore.
make myself believe that love should not this painful.
if this is love, then never mind. i could leave this.
i could not take it anymore.
because i have so much love to give but it feels like u are holding me down under the sea.
why do u refuse to take this love and just go with the flow?
u do not even gave me a chance.
i would be there for u if u need someone.
i will give u my shoulder if u need a lean.
i would look into your eyes and whisper everything will be alright.
i would be the source of warmth to u.
i would. and i want too. badly.
but u are hesitating and it is suffocating.
it is worthless to u, after all.
this one sided feeling. never gravitate a person like u to me.
u are deep but shallow to me.
i am mad. frustration. irritation.
why can not u just let me in and be the one?
if i give in to the next apology from u, i know what i put myself into.
it will always be an endless loop. just to get close to u.
and left hanging, again.

seed

when my friends ask me how are we now
i couldn't help but smile
i am positive we are there
but we are pretty bit a back
and probably you will going to leave me again
for another 3 days
and you came back with an apology
i would be mad but i couldn't
i even strained myself from my passive aggressive self for u
i do not want to hurt u while u were hurting me
but baby
trust me
i do not want u to leave me again
stay

we could be a forever

ghosted

are you ignoring me?