end

i am a fool for u.
and i know u see me as a fool.
everyday is a day for me questioning if i am ready to let go of my dreams of u.
when u thought of turning u down, made me look like a bad bitch.
but when i thought of u pushing me aside, made me look worthless.
hating u hurt but loving u is worse
why am i being so nice to u
i needed u
but things just don't work out for both of us because of this one sided feelings.
just one door unopened.
in the end, u have always been my ideal.
i would turn u down when u need me the most, but i am selfish.
i want to hurt u like u hurt me but i want to hold u.
but u wouldn't even bother.
its worthless to u.
loving supposed to be easy.
maybe it would be easier with the right person.
i want u to be the right person.

lo0p

it is a cycle. u left me hanging and came back to reach me with apologies.
either u did not meant it at all or u just felt the burning guilt just find an ease.
on the other hand, it is me who has always waiting for u patiently.
telling myself i should not complain from this thirst.
i thought it would be easier to love u if i am sincere.
i am sincere with all my heart and soul.
but somehow today, i just want to quit.
all the pain from before i have been holding back because it was the pain of missing and loving u.
then now i wish that i never had meet u.
these are the knots in my chest struggling to feel ease.
i do not have to be a fool to u anymore.
make myself believe that love should not this painful.
if this is love, then never mind. i could leave this.
i could not take it anymore.
because i have so much love to give but it feels like u are holding me down under the sea.
why do u refuse to take this love and just go with the flow?
u do not even gave me a chance.
i would be there for u if u need someone.
i will give u my shoulder if u need a lean.
i would look into your eyes and whisper everything will be alright.
i would be the source of warmth to u.
i would. and i want too. badly.
but u are hesitating and it is suffocating.
it is worthless to u, after all.
this one sided feeling. never gravitate a person like u to me.
u are deep but shallow to me.
i am mad. frustration. irritation.
why can not u just let me in and be the one?
if i give in to the next apology from u, i know what i put myself into.
it will always be an endless loop. just to get close to u.
and left hanging, again.

seed

when my friends ask me how are we now
i couldn't help but smile
i am positive we are there
but we are pretty bit a back
and probably you will going to leave me again
for another 3 days
and you came back with an apology
i would be mad but i couldn't
i even strained myself from my passive aggressive self for u
i do not want to hurt u while u were hurting me
but baby
trust me
i do not want u to leave me again
stay

we could be a forever

ghosted

are you ignoring me?

fuck you

when you are sacrificing something

you would not talk about it

because you do it sincerely

deeply from the heart

when i said to myself that i love you

i would

i could wait

i sacrifice my own emotional stability

because i know that loving you is like a thunderstorm of insecurity

because i would love you quietly enough

because i know between you and i

we are delicate

i would not want to hurt you

but loving you can be a pain in the stomach

sometimes

it feels like i would float

light

my inner self is craving for reassurance

i could not stand it anymore

i want you

pay attention 

my pride could not shrink more smaller 

but all i could do now is

loving you slowly

until we fade with time

update on me: 1

it seems like i don't eat regularly these days. i can say i eat 1 meal a day, it is lunch.
i love lunch but do not get me wrong. i love dinner more.
it is 7:11 p.m. and i am hungry. i want to go eat but i often feel odd to go out by myself for food.
i do not do that normally. i always ask friends out to cafeteria or food outside. to be honest, i am really lazy to go out. i miss home cooked meals. i have been watching "what we eat..." on youtube and i am utterly obsessed watching people cooking especially if it is vegan, it looks more attractive.
made me cannot wait to go home and cook. i miss cooking. i also really miss doing groceries. i want to buy the freshest vegetables and i want to eat!

i just think that if i go out right now, i would order fried rice like usual. it feels heavy on my stomach but it is decent enough to make me feel full. but really, i miss real, special meals.

i really cannot wait for my next dentist appointment, i really need my teeth to look rad!
so i would not feel any discourage anymore when i feel like laughing or smiling, or even saying hi to my crush. i really feel weird when he is around and i would just smile hiding my teeth, do i not look any weirder than that? ugh.

or even say yes to him for some cuddling sessions. i could crack more dumb slow jokes.

come on, a week ahead. then there would not be any hesitations, i hope. 

probably

half of me tell me to stop

scared

deep in me begging

telling me i will get hurt again

eventually

hurt myself more

the thoughts are killing me

my mind went wild

but the wildness that i do not want to take me over

how badly

i do not want you to feel bad

for me

but i do not want you to be cruel to me

baby

you are already cold

but i do not know how you give me warmth 

from afar

with the distance

you are cold

my mind went wild

just not the wild that i wanted

.

telling myself to stop 

i do not need your reassurance

but with this lacking

it scares me

i realized 

we are nothing

are we nothing?

dilly doodly goodly dude-y

late, taking time
busy
is all you say
excuses
i accept them
i believe that
relationship does not have to tie you down
jealousy
i do not know who i envy with
i just want to be with you
your attention is what i crave the most
baby
i know from the first second
you are meant to break my heart
because i may have love you deeply
and baby
i tried to change to be better
i believe
that a relationship should not be a peculiar burden
and baby
i do not know what else to talk
i believe you will get bored
and may think i am just thinking small
but baby
believe me
i have about the whole universe to share
times and times
i started to miss you
and it hurt wondering if you feel it too
because i do not think you feel the same
baby
i believe
you are lacking
but baby
i still care for you
but i believe to keep holding it back
because i did the same thing in the past
got hurt
not once but twice
and baby
i do not want you to be my karma's payback
because they know you will hurt me the most
and baby
i believe
if we are meant to be together
we will be for a long time
and sudden i feel so young
it scares me if it fades over time
but baby
i have so much words i want to lay it to your ears
my tongue tied
stuck between teeth
and baby
you are beautiful
i want your pretty face and that wicked smile you have
i want it to be on my neck
and i want to carry you
and hold you tight
let you rest from the bizarre responsibilities
and baby
i will love and kiss all your tiredness
let you rest in me
i take care of you when the world seems a bit upside down
and baby
i believe those things take time
we are so young
to love that deep
and baby
trust me, i want you, and still want you.

i do actually

i never had found out yet if i actually love you yet.
the fragments of the broken past actually still a bit of a cling on the narrow sorrow of the shattered bit at the back of my head with the memories.
i want to love you, but i got no way of doing so.
maybe the way me loving someone will be a bit of a different.
not in the visual way.
maybe more on the secretive abstract way.
praying for you and your happiness could be such a way, right?
but i am still hoping you would understand.
i want you but i do not think i could be there with my two feet.
but i am here for you.
i want to carry your heavy weight on your shoulder, whenever you need me.
i will be there.

ok

i guess it is true when you felt like your heart began to be all light when you fell in love.
aqilah rolled her eyes.
but i am happy.
i should not believe completely that when you fell in love, you felt as if everything lost came back to you.
even though, it may feel that way.
it feels like a whole mild, grace sunshine shining through your dark, heavy soul.
i am okay.

clingy af

i hate this feeling.
i always had thought that i may not need my emotional reassured this time.
i promised myself not to be clingy and annoying.
but this feeling is kinda pushing me to the edge and really had compressed me tightly.
the part of me suffocating me with the ideas of him suddenly being bored of me and really just felt like how haikal felt toward me before.
i hate him.
he used to reassured me told me that my clingy-ness was alright to him but then all of the sudden when we broke up, he told me he couldn't focus on anything.
i don't know who to blame but it truly had shattered me one by one of my whole cell.
maybe all guys are like that.
they are just still fooling around.
i should not serious around either.


oh just remembered back of the past relationships just really still hurt me sometimes.
like this time.
i should be remained calm.
i should still hold myself to myself.
i will be fine.

bertuah

anggap diriku bertuah

kehadiranmu membuatku merasa bahagia

akanku mencintaimu dengan keindahan kesederhanaan 

anggap diriku bertuah

baring ke tulang belakangku mengira bintang berkelipan

angin selepas solat fardu isyak menemani keindahan perasaan ini

melihat bintang seperti aku jatuh kedalam kegelapan sinar matamu

jauh termenung

filem lama detik pertama kali aku melihatmu

kau sepertinya punya cahaya mengikut kemana kau pergi

dan mungkin hanya kamu yang aku dapat lihat

sepertinya yang lain kabur berubah seperti kabus mengelilingi dua jiwa kita

ingin aku dilihat olehmu

ingin aku lari menjadi ghaib

mungkin hanya dapat melihatmu cukup buatku

anggap diriku bertuah

tuhan mengizinkan aku merasai perasaan indah ini

hadirmu rezeki aku yang terindah

F >>> S

bintang kelihatan lebih terang pada waktu
menemani jiwa yang merindui
bisikan hati, mulut terkunci bisu
kata-kata itu seperti payah untukku berbicara seperti dahulu

angin bertiupan membelai pipi basah
hembus nafasku dibawah keluhan
jika adanya peluang untuk ku memberitahu
aku sejujurnya memerlukan kamu
dakapan hangatmu
denyutan jantungmu
jari-jarimu menjerat jariku
membisik kata kepastian yang aku inginkan
bermain semula di padang permainan mindaku

mengingatimu membuatku berasa syukur
kau dan perasaan ini
membuatkan jantung, peparuku luas
merasa senang mungukir senyuman

pada kaca mataku
jantung mengepam laju
darahku mengalir
endorfin 

i like how i wrote this with a broken heart due to unrequited love but re read this when in love with someone who loves me more than i love myself, it hits me differently. such enlightments. i want to comfort myself because i let myself lived that unappreciated by someone who barely even try for me. grateful.  

feeling light

it has been 2 days i have been feeling light and happy.
i enjoy the openness i am feeling the connections to other people.
even there will be few resistances enhancing my hatred towards something or someone, it eventually just fades away.
the usually felt old and tired but i felt young and free.
been listening to few new songs and discovered old songs.
constantly telling myself to have no obsessions and keep everything in moderation.
horoscopes kept telling me cancer and leo could not get together. i wonder.
all these posts saying that leo is going to heartless and cold towards cancer.
water and fire.
there is a apart of me telling myself to get ready for another heartbreak.
but i am afraid if it is going to be true.
dying to say, 'i love you'.
tempting to tell him, 'i miss you'.
wanting him to look into my eyes and call me, 'sayang'.
eventually, all these dreamy ideas of romanticism fades.
all of these are keep reminding myself of the past heartbreaks and to be.

some disambiguations

i have been getting good dreams lately. maybe because i kinda felt deep within myself and peace. let everything be gentle enough to crash my everyday. while i was walking on a evening, through the path that i had been taking for the past 2 years, my soul and heart played around wandering inside the memories. this time, it didn't made me cry but carefree.

started with the first relationship which i had been betrayed, it did not upset me at all but was teaching myself again to be more cautious and grace to my soul. then, came the fragments of my first love came to my head. it did not made me weaken on my knees but feel alright. it just turned out i did not hate him anymore but still kind of hard to forgive. but i can forget. but i always hoping he is living the life he wanted to be and wanted him to be happy achieving what he always had dream of, making his mother proud and smiling.

i had lost a friend that i could never ever call her a friend but i felt glad she was over. she wanted this to be over. but still, i could not found the main reason she particularly hates me. she just never liked me. maybe she did not need a reason to it. but i was ready to let go. it was always been a budge and hanging from my shoulder. her negativity and hatred towards me is something i had believed from the first sight while others could not see them but now, they all know now. she basically pushing everyone out and i did analyze it was not any of our's fault. it was her decision so we have to let go. it always been better to let go rather than holding it. and i am happy to let it go.

under all these bullshit, letting them go and accept them just rewarded me peace and happiness. i feel connected to myself more, which is more important. 

and the last thing i told myself that evening was i want these memories to remain untouched.

getting along

today was quite alright. slept for 9 hours which was incredible. woke up and had mi kari for brunch with aqilah, wawa and christy. after that, i went to fkssa lab for an assignment task and it was alright except i had to sweat a lot and hoping that my makeup still looking on point, lol. well, basically because he was there, hihi.

Weird but i didn't get nervous or shaky or felt those butterflies in my tummy when i saw him. i liked that way. it feels like the sense of making me calm rather than stutter and weird.  well, i was still a bit weird. i was just shy.

really shy to him.

shy.

not embarrassed.

but, i did smiled at him and turned away quickly because i couldn't bare staring at him because i don't want to look like a creep, haha. so, i was awkward.

somehow, someone told me he smiled back. i swear, i couldn't see even though i am using 4.00 powered contact lenses than 3.50. and he also needs vision help. idk but he still needs his glasses. it was gentle.

anyway, i did talked to him quietly behind him. "lari, xx". and i swear, he did turned his head but no to me but smiled. i guess he was shy too.

i maybe caught him looking at me but he turned away but i doubt that.  maybe he was just looking at the boiler utility. of course.

:)

he's cute.

been forgetting

hi! havent update for almost a year. And things kinda moving really fast, I am in my last semester of my diploma and getting near to an end. Literally can't wait to end and maybe still figuring out what i am trying to do. i got this feeling i want to continue in chemical engineering still but there is still part of me still doubting, i am aching for architecture.

anyways, last semester i got to experience living at rumah sewa with my 6 friends and even had a car crash on our second day. terrible tbh but glad we were alright. except i still feel bad towards syazwani for her nose.

but i don't live there anymore. merayu kolej kediaman and placed with 3 chinese students. so today is my third day with them. but i really miss living like we used to. i kinda feel lost with no feeling of any connection from them. i guess that is something we have to sacrifice.

space and time.