i do actually

i never had found out yet if i actually love you yet.
the fragments of the broken past actually still a bit of a cling on the narrow sorrow of the shattered bit at the back of my head with the memories.
i want to love you, but i got no way of doing so.
maybe the way me loving someone will be a bit of a different.
not in the visual way.
maybe more on the secretive abstract way.
praying for you and your happiness could be such a way, right?
but i am still hoping you would understand.
i want you but i do not think i could be there with my two feet.
but i am here for you.
i want to carry your heavy weight on your shoulder, whenever you need me.
i will be there.

ok

i guess it is true when you felt like your heart began to be all light when you fell in love.
aqilah rolled her eyes.
but i am happy.
i should not believe completely that when you fell in love, you felt as if everything lost came back to you.
even though, it may feel that way.
it feels like a whole mild, grace sunshine shining through your dark, heavy soul.
i am okay.

clingy af

i hate this feeling.
i always had thought that i may not need my emotional reassured this time.
i promised myself not to be clingy and annoying.
but this feeling is kinda pushing me to the edge and really had compressed me tightly.
the part of me suffocating me with the ideas of him suddenly being bored of me and really just felt like how haikal felt toward me before.
i hate him.
he used to reassured me told me that my clingy-ness was alright to him but then all of the sudden when we broke up, he told me he couldn't focus on anything.
i don't know who to blame but it truly had shattered me one by one of my whole cell.
maybe all guys are like that.
they are just still fooling around.
i should not serious around either.


oh just remembered back of the past relationships just really still hurt me sometimes.
like this time.
i should be remained calm.
i should still hold myself to myself.
i will be fine.

bertuah

anggap diriku bertuah

kehadiranmu membuatku merasa bahagia

akanku mencintaimu dengan keindahan kesederhanaan 

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baring ke tulang belakangku mengira bintang berkelipan

angin selepas solat fardu isyak menemani keindahan perasaan ini

melihat bintang seperti aku jatuh kedalam kegelapan sinar matamu

jauh termenung

filem lama detik pertama kali aku melihatmu

kau sepertinya punya cahaya mengikut kemana kau pergi

dan mungkin hanya kamu yang aku dapat lihat

sepertinya yang lain kabur berubah seperti kabus mengelilingi dua jiwa kita

ingin aku dilihat olehmu

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mungkin hanya dapat melihatmu cukup buatku

anggap diriku bertuah

tuhan mengizinkan aku merasai perasaan indah ini

hadirmu rezeki aku yang terindah

F >>> S

bintang kelihatan lebih terang pada waktu
menemani jiwa yang merindui
bisikan hati, mulut terkunci bisu
kata-kata itu seperti payah untukku berbicara seperti dahulu

angin bertiupan membelai pipi basah
hembus nafasku dibawah keluhan
jika adanya peluang untuk ku memberitahu
aku sejujurnya memerlukan kamu
dakapan hangatmu
denyutan jantungmu
jari-jarimu menjerat jariku
membisik kata kepastian yang aku inginkan
bermain semula di padang permainan mindaku

mengingatimu membuatku berasa syukur
kau dan perasaan ini
membuatkan jantung, peparuku luas
merasa senang mungukir senyuman

pada kaca mataku
jantung mengepam laju
darahku mengalir
endorfin 

i like how i wrote this with a broken heart due to unrequited love but re read this when in love with someone who loves me more than i love myself, it hits me differently. such enlightments. i want to comfort myself because i let myself lived that unappreciated by someone who barely even try for me. grateful.  

feeling light

it has been 2 days i have been feeling light and happy.
i enjoy the openness i am feeling the connections to other people.
even there will be few resistances enhancing my hatred towards something or someone, it eventually just fades away.
the usually felt old and tired but i felt young and free.
been listening to few new songs and discovered old songs.
constantly telling myself to have no obsessions and keep everything in moderation.
horoscopes kept telling me cancer and leo could not get together. i wonder.
all these posts saying that leo is going to heartless and cold towards cancer.
water and fire.
there is a apart of me telling myself to get ready for another heartbreak.
but i am afraid if it is going to be true.
dying to say, 'i love you'.
tempting to tell him, 'i miss you'.
wanting him to look into my eyes and call me, 'sayang'.
eventually, all these dreamy ideas of romanticism fades.
all of these are keep reminding myself of the past heartbreaks and to be.

some disambiguations

i have been getting good dreams lately. maybe because i kinda felt deep within myself and peace. let everything be gentle enough to crash my everyday. while i was walking on a evening, through the path that i had been taking for the past 2 years, my soul and heart played around wandering inside the memories. this time, it didn't made me cry but carefree.

started with the first relationship which i had been betrayed, it did not upset me at all but was teaching myself again to be more cautious and grace to my soul. then, came the fragments of my first love came to my head. it did not made me weaken on my knees but feel alright. it just turned out i did not hate him anymore but still kind of hard to forgive. but i can forget. but i always hoping he is living the life he wanted to be and wanted him to be happy achieving what he always had dream of, making his mother proud and smiling.

i had lost a friend that i could never ever call her a friend but i felt glad she was over. she wanted this to be over. but still, i could not found the main reason she particularly hates me. she just never liked me. maybe she did not need a reason to it. but i was ready to let go. it was always been a budge and hanging from my shoulder. her negativity and hatred towards me is something i had believed from the first sight while others could not see them but now, they all know now. she basically pushing everyone out and i did analyze it was not any of our's fault. it was her decision so we have to let go. it always been better to let go rather than holding it. and i am happy to let it go.

under all these bullshit, letting them go and accept them just rewarded me peace and happiness. i feel connected to myself more, which is more important. 

and the last thing i told myself that evening was i want these memories to remain untouched.

getting along

today was quite alright. slept for 9 hours which was incredible. woke up and had mi kari for brunch with aqilah, wawa and christy. after that, i went to fkssa lab for an assignment task and it was alright except i had to sweat a lot and hoping that my makeup still looking on point, lol. well, basically because he was there, hihi.

Weird but i didn't get nervous or shaky or felt those butterflies in my tummy when i saw him. i liked that way. it feels like the sense of making me calm rather than stutter and weird.  well, i was still a bit weird. i was just shy.

really shy to him.

shy.

not embarrassed.

but, i did smiled at him and turned away quickly because i couldn't bare staring at him because i don't want to look like a creep, haha. so, i was awkward.

somehow, someone told me he smiled back. i swear, i couldn't see even though i am using 4.00 powered contact lenses than 3.50. and he also needs vision help. idk but he still needs his glasses. it was gentle.

anyway, i did talked to him quietly behind him. "lari, xx". and i swear, he did turned his head but no to me but smiled. i guess he was shy too.

i maybe caught him looking at me but he turned away but i doubt that.  maybe he was just looking at the boiler utility. of course.

:)

he's cute.