ghosted

are you ignoring me?

fuck you

when you are sacrificing something

you would not talk about it

because you do it sincerely

deeply from the heart

when i said to myself that i love you

i would

i could wait

i sacrifice my own emotional stability

because i know that loving you is like a thunderstorm of insecurity

because i would love you quietly enough

because i know between you and i

we are delicate

i would not want to hurt you

but loving you can be a pain in the stomach

sometimes

it feels like i would float

light

my inner self is craving for reassurance

i could not stand it anymore

i want you

pay attention 

my pride could not shrink more smaller 

but all i could do now is

loving you slowly

until we fade with time

update on me: 1

it seems like i don't eat regularly these days. i can say i eat 1 meal a day, it is lunch.
i love lunch but do not get me wrong. i love dinner more.
it is 7:11 p.m. and i am hungry. i want to go eat but i often feel odd to go out by myself for food.
i do not do that normally. i always ask friends out to cafeteria or food outside. to be honest, i am really lazy to go out. i miss home cooked meals. i have been watching "what we eat..." on youtube and i am utterly obsessed watching people cooking especially if it is vegan, it looks more attractive.
made me cannot wait to go home and cook. i miss cooking. i also really miss doing groceries. i want to buy the freshest vegetables and i want to eat!

i just think that if i go out right now, i would order fried rice like usual. it feels heavy on my stomach but it is decent enough to make me feel full. but really, i miss real, special meals.

i really cannot wait for my next dentist appointment, i really need my teeth to look rad!
so i would not feel any discourage anymore when i feel like laughing or smiling, or even saying hi to my crush. i really feel weird when he is around and i would just smile hiding my teeth, do i not look any weirder than that? ugh.

or even say yes to him for some cuddling sessions. i could crack more dumb slow jokes.

come on, a week ahead. then there would not be any hesitations, i hope. 

probably

half of me tell me to stop

scared

deep in me begging

telling me i will get hurt again

eventually

hurt myself more

the thoughts are killing me

my mind went wild

but the wildness that i do not want to take me over

how badly

i do not want you to feel bad

for me

but i do not want you to be cruel to me

baby

you are already cold

but i do not know how you give me warmth 

from afar

with the distance

you are cold

my mind went wild

just not the wild that i wanted

.

telling myself to stop 

i do not need your reassurance

but with this lacking

it scares me

i realized 

we are nothing

are we nothing?

dilly doodly goodly dude-y

late, taking time
busy
is all you say
excuses
i accept them
i believe that
relationship does not have to tie you down
jealousy
i do not know who i envy with
i just want to be with you
your attention is what i crave the most
baby
i know from the first second
you are meant to break my heart
because i may have love you deeply
and baby
i tried to change to be better
i believe
that a relationship should not be a peculiar burden
and baby
i do not know what else to talk
i believe you will get bored
and may think i am just thinking small
but baby
believe me
i have about the whole universe to share
times and times
i started to miss you
and it hurt wondering if you feel it too
because i do not think you feel the same
baby
i believe
you are lacking
but baby
i still care for you
but i believe to keep holding it back
because i did the same thing in the past
got hurt
not once but twice
and baby
i do not want you to be my karma's payback
because they know you will hurt me the most
and baby
i believe
if we are meant to be together
we will be for a long time
and sudden i feel so young
it scares me if it fades over time
but baby
i have so much words i want to lay it to your ears
my tongue tied
stuck between teeth
and baby
you are beautiful
i want your pretty face and that wicked smile you have
i want it to be on my neck
and i want to carry you
and hold you tight
let you rest from the bizarre responsibilities
and baby
i will love and kiss all your tiredness
let you rest in me
i take care of you when the world seems a bit upside down
and baby
i believe those things take time
we are so young
to love that deep
and baby
trust me, i want you, and still want you.