lo0p

it is a cycle. u left me hanging and came back to reach me with apologies.
either u did not meant it at all or u just felt the burning guilt just find an ease.
on the other hand, it is me who has always waiting for u patiently.
telling myself i should not complain from this thirst.
i thought it would be easier to love u if i am sincere.
i am sincere with all my heart and soul.
but somehow today, i just want to quit.
all the pain from before i have been holding back because it was the pain of missing and loving u.
then now i wish that i never had meet u.
these are the knots in my chest struggling to feel ease.
i do not have to be a fool to u anymore.
make myself believe that love should not this painful.
if this is love, then never mind. i could leave this.
i could not take it anymore.
because i have so much love to give but it feels like u are holding me down under the sea.
why do u refuse to take this love and just go with the flow?
u do not even gave me a chance.
i would be there for u if u need someone.
i will give u my shoulder if u need a lean.
i would look into your eyes and whisper everything will be alright.
i would be the source of warmth to u.
i would. and i want too. badly.
but u are hesitating and it is suffocating.
it is worthless to u, after all.
this one sided feeling. never gravitate a person like u to me.
u are deep but shallow to me.
i am mad. frustration. irritation.
why can not u just let me in and be the one?
if i give in to the next apology from u, i know what i put myself into.
it will always be an endless loop. just to get close to u.
and left hanging, again.

seed

when my friends ask me how are we now
i couldn't help but smile
i am positive we are there
but we are pretty bit a back
and probably you will going to leave me again
for another 3 days
and you came back with an apology
i would be mad but i couldn't
i even strained myself from my passive aggressive self for u
i do not want to hurt u while u were hurting me
but baby
trust me
i do not want u to leave me again
stay

we could be a forever

ghosted

are you ignoring me?

fuck you

when you are sacrificing something

you would not talk about it

because you do it sincerely

deeply from the heart

when i said to myself that i love you

i would

i could wait

i sacrifice my own emotional stability

because i know that loving you is like a thunderstorm of insecurity

because i would love you quietly enough

because i know between you and i

we are delicate

i would not want to hurt you

but loving you can be a pain in the stomach

sometimes

it feels like i would float

light

my inner self is craving for reassurance

i could not stand it anymore

i want you

pay attention 

my pride could not shrink more smaller 

but all i could do now is

loving you slowly

until we fade with time

update on me: 1

it seems like i don't eat regularly these days. i can say i eat 1 meal a day, it is lunch.
i love lunch but do not get me wrong. i love dinner more.
it is 7:11 p.m. and i am hungry. i want to go eat but i often feel odd to go out by myself for food.
i do not do that normally. i always ask friends out to cafeteria or food outside. to be honest, i am really lazy to go out. i miss home cooked meals. i have been watching "what we eat..." on youtube and i am utterly obsessed watching people cooking especially if it is vegan, it looks more attractive.
made me cannot wait to go home and cook. i miss cooking. i also really miss doing groceries. i want to buy the freshest vegetables and i want to eat!

i just think that if i go out right now, i would order fried rice like usual. it feels heavy on my stomach but it is decent enough to make me feel full. but really, i miss real, special meals.

i really cannot wait for my next dentist appointment, i really need my teeth to look rad!
so i would not feel any discourage anymore when i feel like laughing or smiling, or even saying hi to my crush. i really feel weird when he is around and i would just smile hiding my teeth, do i not look any weirder than that? ugh.

or even say yes to him for some cuddling sessions. i could crack more dumb slow jokes.

come on, a week ahead. then there would not be any hesitations, i hope. 

probably

half of me tell me to stop

scared

deep in me begging

telling me i will get hurt again

eventually

hurt myself more

the thoughts are killing me

my mind went wild

but the wildness that i do not want to take me over

how badly

i do not want you to feel bad

for me

but i do not want you to be cruel to me

baby

you are already cold

but i do not know how you give me warmth 

from afar

with the distance

you are cold

my mind went wild

just not the wild that i wanted

.

telling myself to stop 

i do not need your reassurance

but with this lacking

it scares me

i realized 

we are nothing

are we nothing?

dilly doodly goodly dude-y

late, taking time
busy
is all you say
excuses
i accept them
i believe that
relationship does not have to tie you down
jealousy
i do not know who i envy with
i just want to be with you
your attention is what i crave the most
baby
i know from the first second
you are meant to break my heart
because i may have love you deeply
and baby
i tried to change to be better
i believe
that a relationship should not be a peculiar burden
and baby
i do not know what else to talk
i believe you will get bored
and may think i am just thinking small
but baby
believe me
i have about the whole universe to share
times and times
i started to miss you
and it hurt wondering if you feel it too
because i do not think you feel the same
baby
i believe
you are lacking
but baby
i still care for you
but i believe to keep holding it back
because i did the same thing in the past
got hurt
not once but twice
and baby
i do not want you to be my karma's payback
because they know you will hurt me the most
and baby
i believe
if we are meant to be together
we will be for a long time
and sudden i feel so young
it scares me if it fades over time
but baby
i have so much words i want to lay it to your ears
my tongue tied
stuck between teeth
and baby
you are beautiful
i want your pretty face and that wicked smile you have
i want it to be on my neck
and i want to carry you
and hold you tight
let you rest from the bizarre responsibilities
and baby
i will love and kiss all your tiredness
let you rest in me
i take care of you when the world seems a bit upside down
and baby
i believe those things take time
we are so young
to love that deep
and baby
trust me, i want you, and still want you.